My mom keeps telling me not to check the scale every single morning, but sometimes it's hard to heed that advice. I checked again today, and I'm down to 252, that's three pounds! However, I vow to not check it again until at least Friday, if not longer. I started out needing to consume 1865 calories a day, and now it's down to 1850. I was curious last night as to if my "feel" for 1800 calories was really correct (better to be safe than sorry) and I actually had only consumed 1500 calories, which was nice since I was actually quite hungry.
I also took some measurements, as per the advice of fit tracker. As of now, my body goes something like this:
Bust: 45.4 inches
Waist: 40 inches
Hips: 56.5 inches
Thighs: 34 inches
Calves: 17 inches
What I find most interesting about these measurements is all thanks to my father. I (and my brother alike) have my father's butt. My mom has no rear end to speak of. Even at her heaviest she still barely had a behind. My dad, however, and his dad alike, has always had a butt. So do I. It's like a shelf. It basically has a mind of its own. Anyhow, why I find this interesting, is that according to the standard "fit" my measurements are all sorts of off. I know that no two women have the same measurements and everyone is built differently, and I'm completely okay with this. I mostly just find it hard to find a proper goal for these measurements.
According to my current measurements, I should wear a size 20 top and a size 28 pant. This is no where near correct. Granted, I prefer my clothes a bit tighter than most plus size clothing companies have decided I should wear them, I am not a size 28. My pants are a size 22 and my top usually runs at a 14/16 or an 18, depending on the store. Generally, an XL. It's hard for my to pick goals, since I know that when my waist fits in a 10, my hips will probably be begging for a 16. Mostly, I suppose, I'll just wait and see, I just find it interesting.
I'm excited to see what my body will look like in 100 pounds. I'm only 21 years old, so I don't have much of a reference point. By the time I was in 8th grade, I was wearing a size 18 pant, so I've never been an adult, or even a teenager and not been a plus size girl. I'm curious as to how that will feel.
I wonder if I'll feel free. I've always felt constrained by my size. I have always been terrified of ever sitting on someones lap, for fear of hurting them. It took me quite a long time to be comfortable shopping with girls my age in high school. Most of my very good friends were so skinny, they couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be ashamed of the number on the tag. I've always felt very limited in my body, always afraid of breaking things I sit on, popping out of the clothes I wore or generally making an ass of myself.
One thing I'm particularly curious about is my hatred of being in front of the camera. I HATE letting people take pictures of me. I loathe it, it terrifies me and makes me unbelievably uncomfortable. Mostly, this is because of my size. If I'm taking the picture, I can control what I look like. I can angle my face so you can't see my double chin and I can move my body so what I detest is hiding. If I let you take the picture, you just take it and there I am, exposed and unable to hide. Will this change as I lose weight? I don't expect it to happen overnight. I know losing all this weight won't miraculously change all my self confidence issues, that will take years. But in the long run, after I've won the battle and learn to truly love myself, will I feel more comfortable in front of the lens, instead of just in front of it?
These are just some of the questions I have about the future. There are so many! Will I finally go in the pool that I've avoided since we moved here? Will I let people take pictures of me when I eat? Will I be less scared to dance in public? Will my inner beauty finally reflect my outsides? Will gaining the confidence I've never had finally allow me to stand up for myself, something I almost never do?
Only time will tell.
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