Really? I mean...really?

For those of you who don't know, I applied for the photojournalism program at Corcoran College of Art and Design for the spring semester. I was told by both my admissions adviser and the program packet that I received in the mail a few weeks ago that it should only take about 2 weeks to get a response after I applied. Well, I finished my application on October 5th (after about 2 months of hassle getting transcripts from OCC and LIU). All of this adds up to me checking my mail for 3 weeks now, having all my hopes and dreams crushed every time I see an empty mailbox. I would like to ask, Ladies and Gentlemen if you know why I have been doing this for three (and a half) weeks, when I was promised only two mere weeks of torture? Well, this morning I found out in an e-mail. Apparently, my admissions adviser went on a national portfolio tour on October first, a mere four days before my application was finished. She just returned to the office today, meaning that my application was only just submitted to the committee for review this morning. Now, I understand that this isn't anyone's fault, just horrible luck on my part, but I would just like to say: Really? I mean REALLY? Shouldn't someone have been able to just take my lovely little folder, hand it to the committee and says "Accept this girl, she's freaking amazing!"?

I hate to admit it, but several times during this long three week span, seeing yet another empty mailbox has caused me to snack more than I should have. Snacking and over indulging is a lifelong habit that I have inherited from both my mother and my father, and it's taking me quite a long time to break this habit. I have noticed that keeping track of my calories actually helps me overcome my urge to snack. When I know that I have ingested all 1800 calories for the day, I can't convince myself that there's any room for that snack. But on days that I don't count, for whatever reason, it's much harder to resist. As odd as it sounds, this is one of the many reasons I enjoy counting my calories every day. I'm far less likely to over indulge when I have that number staring back at me.

I forgot to weigh myself this weekend due to having a house guest. I will, however, check on Friday and let you guys know!

My mom and brother are visiting this upcoming weekend, and my mom will be staying until Thursday morning, and I would like to take this time to promise you guys (and myself) that I will do my absolute best to stay 100% on my diet, and not over indulge while they are here. I've actually found that I've been doing really well at ordering the right foods while out at restaurants (thank goodness for smart phones and nutritional information). However, it's the soda that keeps holding me back! It's much easier at home to say no to the refil when I have to go to the fridge to get it myself, but when I'm out, the soda magically appears in front of me, and before I know it I've had 2 or 3 or 4 sodas in one meal. That adds up very fast, usually around 600 calories just in soda and I'm not even sure what happened. At home I never have more than one a day. I have orange juice and crystal light packets as well as apple cider. This is something I really want to work on.

On a slightly related thought, I'm having just an awful time consuming the recommended 64 ounces of water a day. The problem is not that I don't want to drink that much, especially with the crystal light packets, it's wonderful to actually be hydrated for once. The problem is humorously the exact opposite of my soda solution. Once I finish a bottle of water, which is only about 20 ounces, I never remember to get up and head back over to the fridge to refill. All the sudden it's the end of the night and I'm 44 ounces short of my goal. What I want to do is get a much bigger bottle, so that I only need to refill once. That is a far more likely scenario that keeps my hydrated and happy. I just don't have the money to find myself a bottle quite yet. But I will, eventually.

Anyhow, have a wonderful week everybody. Stay healthy!

Oh hey, how have you been? What? No, I haven't been avoiding you for years...

Do you want to know a secret? I avoid mirrors. Not ones that show my face, but anything that shows anything bellow my waist, I completely avoid. Do you know those pillars in stores like Marshalls and Bonton and what not that are basically giant mirrors? Well, over the past 21 years, I have completely perfected the art of walking past them without actually looking at them. Nothing ruins the fun of shopping quite like seeing your butt in florescent lighting.

This is one of those small habits that just sort of happen. You don't tell people about it, and you barely even admit it yourself and one day you just realize "I barely know what the bottom half of my body actually looks like." It's scary to think about what sort of habits such as these might have grown into if I hadn't been the leader of my own personal intervention.

Being this honest with you, all of you, makes me so much more comfortable than I thought it would. I thought it would be disconcerting, even a little terrifying laying my whole heart out there on the table, but I enjoy it. Writing these posts is my therapy. Thank you all for being there for me!

In other completely unrelated thoughts, I would like to share with you some of my promises to myself:
1-No matter how skinny (or not skinny) I ever get I will never ever ever wear skinny jeans.No offense to anyone you wears them, but I personally dislike that fashion statement greatly.
2-I will never wear clothes that are 4 sizes too small just because I lost 25 pounds and think I'm a size 8. I've seen this happen so many times. You lose a little wait and get a little confused and think you lost a LOT of weight and your fashion pays the price. I will not do this!
3-I will also never wear dresses that aren't actually dresses, but more of slightly long shirts. Shirts need to be worn with pants, which brings me to number 4
4-Leggings are not pants. Leggings are leggings. In general, I dislike leggings completely, but I understand the need to wear them sometimes. I will however, never mistake leggings for pants.

Have a great night everyone. Stay healthy!

Can we all please discuss how amazing a Skip It would be?

I am writing this post for one main reason. The Skip It. Derek and I were talking earlier about various fun things from our childhoods, and I had the most amazing idea. I want to own a Skip It. Can we just imagine how great of a work out a Skip It probably is? Especially when done for long periods of time. I'm kind of in love with this idea. Unfortunately, I have no yard or driveway or any real place to use a Skip It, so it doesn't seem like a logical investment (plus I can only find a Barbie Skip It, which I would probably buy anyways because it's pink and has sparkles on it. Sparkles!

Over the course of the next few months, and years for that matter, this journey is going to be filled with a plethora of ups and downs. There are going to be small victories and gigantic milestones, and I am so excited about this. Some of these victories and milestones I am so excited for. One thing I have always wanted to be able to do was wear American Eagle jeans. I have never fit into them before, and I've always fantasized about owning a pair. And now, after only four weeks of this, I am 1/2 an inch closer to my waist fitting in. I still have about 3.5 inches to go, but it's completely worth the wait and the battle to me. There are a thousand other things I'm excited for. My first bikini (which I have totally already picked out), fitting into the shirt I've kept for years even though it doesn't quite fit anymore and going upstairs without getting out of breath. These are just a few of the things I have to look forward to. 

In today's news, I still have not gotten any mail and I am unbelievably in love with Skinny Cow ice cream. Have you ever had it? Get it! It was on sale this week so we got the cookies and cream ice cream sandwich, which only has 160 calories. Since I don't crave ice cream terribly too often, it's 160 calories well well spent. Honestly, it was far better than some of the full fat ice cream sandwiches I've had before. I must try for any healthy eater with a sweet tooth.


I would like to update the design of this blog to better match my purpose here and my (awesome) personality, but it's been so long since I've done any HTML work, it'll take me a bit to fully figure out what I want to do. But, look forward to it. Also, I swear I'll put up that before picture (even though it's been a month), but I almost always update using Derek's laptop and my picture is on my Mac, which is all the way over there (I'm pointing at it, but you can't see it). At some point in time though, I will upload it!

Have a wonderful day everybody. And stay healthy!

Things I never noticed before

The funny thing about living such an unhealthy lifestyle for so long, is all the different things you don't notice. You just get used to not feeling great all the time, getting out of breath on a regular basis and generally being uncomfortable in your own skin.

What brought this whole thought process about stems from my dinner yesterday. (Prepare yourself for a very long explanation here).  Derek and I get our food delivered once a week through peapod (the delivery service for Giant grocery store), because it's easier than having to treck ourselves onto a bus and bring all those groceries back to the apartment. We usually get them delivered on Thursdays, but we decided to switch our delivery to Sunday instead, in order to make the food last longer. But in order to do this, we had to wait from Thursday the 8th until today to have it delivered. Seeing as the original delivery wasn't all that big, we were very stretched for food by today. This lead me to have to resort to all that was left for dinner last night, which was fried food.

After years and years of always eating fried food, I never noticed just how awful it made my stomach feel until today. I suppose after three weeks of salads and sandwiches and all sorts of yummy healthy goodness, this fried food did NOT agree with me. Lesson learned! I will think very carefully before attempting that again.

I think that a big part of living that life for so long is having such a strong sense of denial. For the longest time, the way I see myself in my head is completely different than whats on the outside. Now, in my head I don't think I'm skinny, but I probably imagine myself in the size 16-18 range, a good 25-30 pounds lighter than I really am. Part of this process to me is truly looking at myself and realizing what I've let myself become, and how I can change it to be a better me.

And for my newest food review!
South Beach Protein Bars: a HUGE step up from the Kashi bars I tried last week. Not only do they have 1-2 grams of protein more per bar and are much cheaper, but they have a hundred times more taste. I think I may have found my new favorite snack bar!

Have a wonderful day everybody. Don't forget to stay healthy!

Approx. six pounds in 3.5 weeks. Good progress!

Well it's Saturday and we all know what that means! Well, I know what it means. I weighed myself this morning and attempted some new measurements. The measurements failed because I don't actually have a real measuring tape, just the tie to my robe and a ruler. I do have a good feeling my waist is a bit smaller, perhaps half an inch or so. So yay for that. Plus my weight is now at 249. Yay for that as well.

I have to admit, going only 1-2 pounds a week is mentally exhausting because I keep feeling like I should be seeing more results, but I know going slow is a far better way to go.

There's not all that  much else to say today, but I thought I would at least update with my latest numbers. Stay healthy everybody!

What I want you to know

So, over the past three weeks I've been writing in this blog, and although no one comments on here directly, I've been getting a ton of feedback via facebook, AIM and text messages. I want every single one of you to know how much I appreciate this! And to every one else who has thought about saying something but was nervous I may take it the wrong way, or get upset about your throwing in your own opinion, please let me know what you're thinking!

Whether it's constructive criticism for my plan or advice and tidbits you've learned that maybe I haven't talked about, I would really love to hear it. That's why I'm doing this, for the support and the help that all of you can offer to me. So please please please, don't ever be scared to let me know what you're thinking. Unless it's mean, then you can just mind your own business :).

Now, lately I've been living in the world of my George Forman Grill and my self made paninis! I use a tiny bit of butter on the outside to make sure it stays crispy, then add cheese and turkey and a teeny tiny bit of mayo just to moisten it up (less than a teaspoon) and of course it's light mayo because that's all I've ever used. Then I grill it just until the cheese melts and it's amazingly delicious. On the side I usually have a 100 calorie pack of chips (home packaged into zip lock bags!) and a crystal light water bottle. This is my lunch every day.

I'm unique when it comes to food because I'm obnoxiously picky and when I find something I like I usually eat it over and over and over until I get bored of it. When we first moved here, it was Mac and Cheese and chicken nuggets. Now it's paninis! Plus my favorite food in the entire world is a good sammich! When I worked at Dakota watch, I always had Subway for lunch. Then at Ulta it was always a Panera sandwich then at Books a million, it was a turkey softwich (a mix of bagel and bread. kind of heavenly).

My other latest thing has been the Kashi Go Lean protein bars. Although, let me tell you, they have almost NO TASTE. Gosh darn they were disappointing taste wise, but with only about 180 calories and 9 grams of protein, they are a great little dessert.

This week I'm also going to try some of the yummy dessert yogurts that yoplait has, such as Boston Creme Pie and Strawberry Shortcake! They sound amazing, and as long as I continue to pretend that yogurt isn't really alive, I shall continue to enjoy them. Plus I got some Ovaltine, since I've been craving chocolate milk lately. (Secret confession, I was watching Chelsea Lately and Lauren Conrad was on and mentioned she has been drinking Ovaltine and it made me crave it in a major way).

I'm also greatly looking forward to getting crab cakes with the grocery delivery since they are pretty much the greatest thing ever made. Ever.

In other news, my family is tentatively coming down to visit at the end of this month. I'm super excited for this and also hoping I can keep this up while they're here and maybe impart some of my new found knowledge on them as well. I hope they can handle me being "that person" who asks for the nutritional information before ordering while out to eat! It may be obnoxious, but it's amazingly refreshing to know what I'm eating (and how much it will cost me before I do so). This helped when we went to Ruby Tuesdays last week. Instead of getting something horrible, I ended up with the crab cakes, which per their N.I. (as I shall now on be referring to it) only had 94 calories per cake! So helpful to know.

Goodnight everybody. Stay Healthy!

P.S.
As per most nights, I have been late night online window shopping at various stores. I have become so frustrated, I decided this is the best place for me to vent. I am a plus size woman. I have been wearing plus size clothing since I was 14 or so. And when this is over, I may very well still be considered plus size, there's no way of knowing! And do you know what I hate above all else about being plus size? The clothes! It's so unfair how I am expected to dress. I am twenty one years old! I have curves and I like to show then off. Can the fashion industry please explain the following garments to me?



Could you please please explain to me how this is supposed to help my figure or for that matter anyone's figure at all? I understand that the lines at the waist are meant to "cinch in" and trick the eye into making it seem like I have a smaller waist, but the fit is just appalling. I mean really, how am I supposed to feel good about myself when I look 40 lb bigger! This model is young and beautiful, and I'm sure she has a great body, but this is making her look awful.



Or in this case, we can skip even pretending to make it look like she has a waist and but her in a square sweater that basically just adds bulk and sadness. Now she has no figure at all! Poor girl, to have her curves stolen from her just like that.

These are the clothes that the fashion industry has been trying to pawn on me since I was fourteen. Fourteen! While all of my classmates were wearing tiny little American Eagle and Pac Sun and Hollister clothing, I was stuck with this. Being plus size, you're often given exactly two choices: Old Lady or Ghetto Princess. How is this okay? How is this still being tolerated in the twenty first century. It's 2010! We have vacuums that drive themselves over the carpets, toilets that automatically flush and phones that do more than half the computers could 25 years ago, but we still don't have clothes for the young hip plus size girl? This is just pathetic.

End of rant. Thank you all for reading. And I apologize if anyone happens to own either of those two dresses, I don't mean to offend.

Once again, have a wonderful night and stay healthy!

There's no one else to blame.

As I've told you before, I've been overweight for pretty much my whole life. For the better part of my life, I've blamed this on other people. It's true, being this way certainly isn't all my fault. Both my parents are also overweight, and I was raised with very unhealthy habits. Specifically, after my dad left when I was in 5th grade, my mom tried to be make us happy in any way she could. One way she did this, was to give us anything we asked for that she could afford, and as an 11 year old, that was fast food. I attribute a rapid weight gain to this time in my life.

Although it's true that I gained a lot weight at that point in my life, I also spent the majority of my life equipped with no healthy habits. This has continued on into my twenties. Only recently, as I start this new phase in my life have I begun to understand the true consequences of my unhealthy habits.

In other news, I'm vowing to truly stop weighing myself every day. It's very frustrating to watch it fluctuate so much each morning. I know that it's 100% normal for that to happen, especially since it's only a pound or two. But it's hard to get excited when it gets to 250 and then be disappointed when it's back to 252 the next day. From now on, I will only check on Fridays, which is also the day I've set aside to take my pictures. I have in fact taken that before picture that I've promised you, but I haven't uploaded it to my computer quite yet.

My new favorite healthy foods! For anyone who is interested in some delicious tasty foods to try out, I thought I'd update you all on my favorites (and least favorites) as I work my way through the grocery store! Currently I'm in love with the following:
-Laughing Cow cheese wedges. At only 35 calories a wedge, it's the perfect snack! The only downside is the carbs of the crackers you eat with it, but even that isn't too bad. It's amazing. A tish bit expensive but a great buy when it's on sale.
-Salad for One by Taylor farms! I'm not sure if this is a local thing or if it's available in NY, but I'm completely in love with these single serve salads. I've had a BLT once a week and I just tried the Santa Fe Chicken and it was ridiculously delicious. And only 230 calories!
-Yoplait Whips! I've been eating these for months, and they are just wonderful. I personally only eat them frozen, so it's the perfect size frozen yogurt serving! I also tend to lean towards the raspberry flavor, because it's pretty much to die for. Plus with only 130 calories, it couldn't be more amazing.

And for my big flop so far:
Weight Watched Mac and Cheese. It looked so delicious in the package, it was a whiter mac and cheese, and I kept thinking about a white cheddar deliciousness. However it was ridiculously disappointing. It literally had no taste at all. I will not be trying any more of their food any time soon.

Goodbye for now all. I'm off to check the mail, hoping for that letter from School!

Oh and since I forgot to mention it, my current weight is 251. Four pounds!

Two wonderful miles

I met Derek after he got out of work today, as per usual, but this time he took even longer than usual to get out or work so instead of meeting him half way, I met him at his work. Round trip, that's 2 miles and it felt wonderful. I got a bit winded while walking up the hill that's about 3/4 of the way there, but after that I was fine. I really do enjoy taking walks, it feels really great. And I love listening to my iPod on the way and rocking out to my favorite songs. It's kind of my favorite part of the day.

Over the past few days, I've been wondering why I've lost so much weight so fast. I'm officially down to 250, which is 5 pounds in only two weeks. It was then that I realized that on the fit tracker website, which told me to consume about 1850 calories a day, I had it listed that I live a sedentary lifestyle, which is sort of true. But now I walk! I walk probably around 5-6 miles a week on average. Which means I had to change my setting to "lightly active". Which upped my daily intake to 2190. I've been wondering why I've been losing weight when I often times go over that 1850 by about 100. It's because I was still 200 below what I was supposed to do. Oops. But now I know!

I have my new short term goal of hitting 225 by Christmas. I want to be able to go home and see my family and have a nice whole round number to tell them about. It sounds so much better to say "I've lost 25 pounds!" (or even 20) than to say "I've lost 17 pounds!" Plus, 25 pounds is about 2 pounds a week between now and then, so it fits the slow pace almost perfectly.

My new favorite snack is those 100 calorie packs, but in the interest of saving money, I've decided to pack my own 100 calorie packs. The smaller the packaging, the more the company charges, so Derek and I picked out some of our favorite snacks and bought some small ziplock bags and I will portion them out for us. That way, it's so much easy to avoid over indulging! The problem with just limiting yourself to 6 or 7 chips is that when the bag is open right there, it's so easy to just pop back in for 6 or 7 or 20 more. When they're rationed out like that, it really helps the urges.

Today, I've had 1650 calories so far. I've managed to stay under my fat goal of 49 grams, by only consuming 46 grams, but I'm still under in protein by 118 grams. I just don't like meat! But thanks to a suggestion by a friend of mine, Lauren, I've got some protein bars on the way. They definitely won't help me make it all the way to 164 grams a day, but it's an extra 8 or 9 grams, which is very helpful. I also made it under my carb goal by 3 whole grams. But yay anyways. I'm assuming I won't have anything else to eat except perhaps another bottle of water, so I know I'm way under my calorie goal, but I'm just not that hungry today.

Now that I own a scale, I've decided to place my goals for 25 pound incraments. At 225, I'm going to find myself a pair of ankle boots (I've already got my eyes on a wonderful pair that I'm in love with), at 200 I think I'm going to get myself a new cute dress, at 175 I'm not sure yet but at 150, I'm getting my next tattoo! What I get and where I get it greatly depends on how my body looks after this. If my skin is pretty taught and I'm toned enough to get one where my hip meets my thigh, I'm thinking there. If not, I'll contemplate other places such as my arm or back. Nothing is a better motivator than a new tattoo!

Have a wonderful night everyone! Stay healthy!

So many questions, but no answer key in sight.

My mom keeps telling me not to check the scale every single morning, but sometimes it's hard to heed that advice. I checked again today, and I'm down to 252, that's three pounds! However, I vow to not check it again until at least Friday, if not longer. I started out needing to consume 1865 calories a day, and now it's down to 1850. I was curious last night as to if my "feel" for 1800 calories was really correct (better to be safe than sorry) and I actually had only consumed 1500 calories, which was nice since I was actually quite hungry.

I also took some measurements, as per the advice of fit tracker. As of now, my body goes something like this:
Bust: 45.4 inches
Waist: 40 inches
Hips: 56.5 inches
Thighs: 34 inches
Calves: 17 inches

What I find most interesting about these measurements is all thanks to my father. I (and my brother alike) have my father's butt. My mom has no rear end to speak of. Even at her heaviest she still barely had a behind. My dad, however, and his dad alike, has always had a butt. So do I. It's like a shelf. It basically has a mind of its own. Anyhow, why I find this interesting, is that according to the standard "fit" my measurements are all sorts of off. I know that no two women have the same measurements and everyone is built differently, and I'm completely okay with this. I mostly just find it hard to find a proper goal for these measurements.

According to my current measurements, I should wear a size 20 top and a size 28 pant. This is no where near correct. Granted, I prefer my clothes a bit tighter than most plus size clothing companies have decided I should wear them, I am not a size 28. My pants are a size 22 and my top usually runs at a 14/16 or an 18, depending on the store. Generally, an XL. It's hard for my to pick goals, since I know that when my waist fits in a 10, my hips will probably be begging for a 16. Mostly, I suppose, I'll just wait and see, I just find it interesting.

I'm excited to see what my body will look like in 100 pounds. I'm only 21 years old, so I don't have much of a reference point. By the time I was in 8th grade, I was wearing a size 18 pant, so I've never been an adult, or even a teenager and not been a plus size girl. I'm curious as to how that will feel.

I wonder if I'll feel free. I've always felt constrained by my size. I have always been terrified of ever sitting on someones lap, for fear of hurting them. It took me quite a long time to be comfortable shopping with girls my age in high school. Most of my very good friends were so skinny, they couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be ashamed of the number on the tag. I've always felt very limited in my body, always afraid of breaking things I sit on, popping out of the clothes I wore or generally making an ass of myself.

One thing I'm particularly curious about is my hatred of being in front of the camera. I HATE letting people take pictures of me. I loathe it, it terrifies me and makes me unbelievably uncomfortable. Mostly, this is because of my size. If I'm taking the picture, I can control what I look like. I can angle my face so you can't see my double chin and I can move my body so what I detest is hiding. If I let you take the picture, you just take it and there I am, exposed and unable to hide. Will this change as I lose weight? I don't expect it to happen overnight. I know losing all this weight won't miraculously change all my self confidence issues, that will take years. But in the long run, after I've won the battle and learn to truly love myself, will I feel more comfortable in front of the lens, instead of just in front of it?

These are just some of the questions I have about the future. There are so many! Will I finally go in the pool that I've avoided since we moved here? Will I let people take pictures of me when I eat? Will I be less scared to dance in public? Will my inner beauty finally reflect my outsides? Will gaining the confidence I've never had finally allow me to stand up for myself, something I almost never do?

Only time will tell.

I'm bad at posting...is anyone really surprised?

Sorry it's been so long since I've written in here, it's actually been a busy week. Derek and I went and got flu shots on Friday and then we went to the zoo on Saturday. I have been keeping up with my diet, and I feel as though I really have a feel as to what that 1800 calories really feels like. Plus we got groceries on Thursday and we got a lot of healthy snacks, which helps a bunch.

Sadly though, I haven't been to the gym in a while. I finally have gotten my sleep pattern back to normal, and I'm just not comfortable going to the gym in front of people quite yet. But I whenever Derek and I go out, I've been making an effort to do far more walking than I used to. On Friday I ended up walking about three miles, and on Saturday I'm not sure exactly how far, but I'd venture to say it was at least two and a half.

I have saved the very best for last though! According to the lame scale I got in the mail last week, I have lost TWO pounds already. I'm so proud of myself!

I'm off to rock out to my ipod while doing a little cleaning, then my ab and butt exercises!